Wednesday, 2 July 2014

My Heartbreak

Hi Everyone, a very personal one today. I said in my last post I'd be back to regular posting again, but unfortunetly life got in the way once again! Back in May I was told the one thing I had been waiting for my whole life. After two at home tests my doctors finally confirmed the most amazing thing, I was pregnant!! I was absolutly over the moon with happiness! I wanted to scream it from the rooftops, since I was a little girl I have ALWAYS wanted to become a mother. For as long as I can remember all I have ever wanted was a baby and a family with the guy of my dreams. And finally that was about to come true. I started reading countless pregnancy blogs and watching YouTube videos to prepare myself for what was to come over the next few months, I started writing down every single sympton I had, all my feelings and any important dates, preparing to start writing my own pregnancy blog posts. My first midwife appointment went really well. I was given my pregnancy notes which was so exciting to me, if you don't know what they are all it really is is a booklet that you take to all your appointments, scans etc for the doctors and yourself to fill in. At such an early stage I only had a few pages to fill in with my personal details and the usual health questions. But I was so excited by it all! When I came out of the doctors surgery that day I was over the moon, I felt like I was floating down the street because I was so SO happy! Me and my boyfriend went straight into town after that, I bought lotions and potions for stretch marks and also some pregnancy vitamins, we looked at all sorts of other things we'd need in the coming months on the baby aisle in Boots, I even signed up to their Parenting Club. We started planning this amazing future we were going to have together and started looking at books we could get to help us on this journey we had just started. To say we were excited was an absolute under statement! We told a few close family memebers and friends and everyone was so supportive and happy for us. I was on cloud nine and would never in a million years had thought that my perfect dream was about to be shattered and turned into a nightmare in just a few short days! One Saturday afternoon I noticed a few spots of blood, to begin with I was terrified and began to panic but then remembered spotting was very common in early pregnancy and I calmed right down. To be on the safe side I contacted my local hospital and got checked over, they did another pregnancy test which came up postive within seconds and the Dr assured me, that all was probably well, but booked me in for an early scan first thing on the following Monday morning just incase. Going to that scan I was so so nervous but had so much hope inside me, praying that everything would be ok. And it turned out everything was just fine! My baby was ok, it had a tiny heartbeat and everything was normal. I wasn't as far along as me and my midwife first thought. And the bleed was completey normal and sonething that occurs in a lot of women. The relief I felt that morning was so overwhelming, I can not even begin to describe it to you! Once again I was over the moon with happiness and I started to imagine that future I'd been longing for, all over again. Me, my boyfriend and his parents spent that afternoon in the Lakes having a lovely lunch and talking non stop about babies and all the amazing things that were coming our way! I never for a second thought that it was all about to go horribly wrong. Without getting too personal and gross, that night I bled, alot, and had what felt like period pains. Once again I found myself on the phone to the hospital explaining in detail everything that had gone on in the last 3 days! The Dr explained to me that I was probably experincing a miscarriage! That word still rings in my ears, the one thing I have always feared was happening to me. I was honestly in a state of shock, the next day the hospital confirmed my fears, there was no longer a baby.

I really can't begin to explain the pain I felt from hearing that and it will upset me for the rest of my life. Now I know I wasn't far along in my pregnancy and the baby wasn't fully formed (technically it wasn't even a baby) but my heart honestly broke that day. I couldn't function properly, I stayed in my room with my boyfriend for days, just locked away hiding from the world, we didn't want to see or speak to anyone and just wanted to be alone to cope with our grief. We both took time off work and spent time together to come to terms with what had happened. Slowly coming to terms with it and getting on with life as best we could. My heart (more so than ever) really does go out to anyone that has lost a child, or miscarried later on in pregnancy, I can not even begin to imagine the pain that must cause! My situation was bad enough and some may say I had it easy, but lets not get into that. So really that's all I have to say and now you know why I haven't been around on here or Twitter much in the past month or 2. I'll eventually get myself back into the swing of things I'm sure. But for now I just thought I'd explain to you all where I've been. Oh and by the way, to top things off I have just lost my job aswell (I wasn't fired or anything, the shop I was working in closed) so now I am pennyless (NOT a good thing for a beauty blogger) and looking for a new job. Which may mean with more free time I might post more but we'll see. Thank you for baring with me and reading this awfully long post, that probably doesn't even make sense. I just needed a place to vent my emotions, and I'm sorry that place was here!

Much Love Everyone 
Gemma xo.


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